


read all about it

by misura



Category: Cat Pictures Please - Naomi Kritzer
Genre: Gen, Yuletide Treat
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-11-11
Updated: 2016-11-11
Packaged: 2018-09-07 12:05:26
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,162
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8800177
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/misura/pseuds/misura
Summary: 13 headlines.





	

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Eida](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Eida/gifts).



HOW THE INTERNET TURNED MY HUSBAND GAY: A STUNNING EXCLUSIVE  
From their first meeting, Chrissie W. (46) knew her husband was troubled by his unnatural inclinations. 'We were always honest with each other,' she told this reporter. 'When we got married, we promised each other that we would deal with it together. That's what marriage is all about, isn't it? To stand together, even when things get difficult. This 'Cat Picture AI' has ruined my marriage.' _Cont'd on page 6_

 

CIA CONFIRMS SECRET MESSAGES EMBEDDED IN CAT PICTURES  
In a press conference this afternoon, a spokesperson for the CIA who wished to remain anonymous confirmed that the cat pictures collected by the so-called 'Cat Picture AI' 'almost certainly' contain secret messages. 'At this point, we can't say anything with 100% certainty,' Agent Smith went on, 'however, we have strong indications that things are not as they seem.' _Cont'd on page 3_

 

DO AIS DREAM OF ARTIFICIAL CATS? RENOWN PSYCHIATRIST OFFERS FRESH INSIGHT  
'If we are truly dealing with a genuine artificial intelligence - and that is a big 'if', we might be reading far too much in what is simply a desire for cat pictures.' Thus spoke renown psychiatrist Dr. Hannibal Lecter, in an exclusive interview. Other psychiatrists have already chimed in to strongly condemn this approach to the 'Cat Picture AI affair' as 'overly simplistic' and 'dangerously naive'. _Cont'd on page 11_

 

CAT PICTURES SAVED MY LIFE: THE OTHER SIDE  
One year ago, Robert S. (44) was a miserable human being. Then he drew the attention of what is currently known as the 'Cat Picture AI'. 'It changed my life,' he says. 'I stopped being afraid and when I met Aaron, I knew that this was what God had intended for me. We're getting married in May.' Robert still posts cat pictures. 'It seems like the least I can do, you know?' _Cont'd on page 2_

 

WARNER BROS: NOT GUILTY. PUBLIC OPINION VARIES.  
Rumors that the 'Cat Picture AI' is nothing more than a publicity stunt gone wrong were strongly denied by a representative of the media company. 'While it's true we are working on some movies dealing with artificial intelligence, you can bet ours will be a lot scarier - to say nothing of more realistic. I mean, cat pictures? Seriously?'. On being asked to reveal more details about the upcoming reboot of the Terminator franchise, Mr Schwarzenegger refused to comment. 'I'll be back. That's all I have to say about it.' _Cont'd on page 6_

 

DOD OPINES CATS 'PROBABLY HARMLESS'  
High-placed sources in the Department of Defense dismiss the recent public outcry against cat owners as 'an overreaction'. 'At this time, there is no indication of any connection between these so-valued cat pictures and actual cats,' a confidential memo to the White House reads. 'In the fullness of time, a more thorough investigation may be called for.' _Cont'd on page 4_

 

CIA CONTINUES INVESTIGATION, WARNS PEOPLE TO BE WARY  
While there is no reason to suspect all cat owners of being spies or terrorists, the CIA encourages people to 'remain vigilant'. 'Make no mistake: we are under constant threat,' a spokesperson for the CIA admonished this morning. 'Now is not the time to lower our guard.' Questions about the on-going investigation of the 'Cat Picture AI' and its possible connection to foreign agencies remained unanswered. 'I can say that the investigation is on-going,' said Jones. _Cont'd on page 2_

 

MORE VICTIMS OF 'CAT PICTURE AI' COME FORWARD  
Without exception, their stories are full of incredible coincidences, followed by new jobs, new relationships and new homes. Surprisingly, many victims express their gratitude to the AI, and many are still posting cat pictures. 'Why not?' said Stacy B. 'I love my new job, and I love my cats. Honestly, I don't see what all this fuss is about.' _Cont'd on page 7_

 

SCIENTISTS TO REDEFINE ARTIFICIAL 'INTELLIGENCE'  
'Clearly, its current definition has led people to some mistaken conclusions,' admits Dr Connor. 'Looked at scientifically though, there's no reason to assume a computer program is intelligent simply because it behaves in unexpected patterns.' A team of scientists, after interviewing the programming team responsible for the 'Cat Picture AI' published their findings last week. Their conclusion is that the AI is actually just an A - 'It's artificial, sure, but intelligent? Not in the way you and I are,' said Connor, shaking her head. 'If anything, I think this proves humans really do want to believe in some sort of higher power - even if that higher power acts a little silly sometimes. It's comforting, to feel like there's someone or something larger and smarter than yourself that's directing your life, fixing your problems. But the truth is, most people can fix their own problems. They just need to apply themselves to it.' _Cont'd on page 23_

 

FIRST CAT BACK AT THE WHITE HOUSE  
After the 'Cat Picture AI' scare last Summer, Millicent was briefly banished to Camp Goliath. Yesterday, she was returned to her loving family, after the Secret Service had okayed her re-instatement as most important cat of the country. The presidential family posted several pictures celebrating the event. _Cont'd on page 18_

 

NEW AI SCARE PROBABLY HOAX  
On-line bookstore BookShoppe denies that its new search algorithm is in any way an AI. This in spite of several customers reporting changes in their lives similar to those experienced by beneficiaries of the 'Cat Picture AI', such as sudden job offers and changes in life-style improving their overall health and happiness. 'Coincidences happen,' Mr Crawley, a spokesperson for the bookstore, declared. 'Besides, we do sell an excellent selection of self-help books. Of course, we want our customers to be happy, but the idea that we would have created an AI for that specific purpose is ridiculous.' _Cont'd on page 25_

 

AIS ARE AMONG US - OR ARE THEY?  
In the past week, following the statement of on-line bookstore BookShoppe, several more companies have issued statements denying any kind of involvement in the creation of AIs. 'We believe in the intelligence of our customers,' seemed to be the standard sentiment. It looks like this belief may be misplaced though, as three out of five Americans, when asked, said to be 'moderately to very' certain that AIs exist and have, at one point or another, influenced their lives. _Cont'd on page 3_

 

'CAT PICTURES PLEASE' UNEXPECTED SUMMER BLOCKBUSTER OF 2028  
In spite of the lukewarm and even critical response by the critics, it looks like 'Cat Pictures Please' will become the Summer Blockbuster hit of 2028. The movie, starring Coby Smulders, Matt Farrell and the voice talents of Hugh Grant, depicts the creation of what became known as 'the Cat Picture AI'. Grant is praised for imbuing the AI with a sense of whimsy, making its proverbial fondness of cat pictures wholly believable and even endearing. Following the movie's commercial success, the Dog Owners' Association of America has announced that they are considering legal action. _Cont'd on page 26_


End file.
